I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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