How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
bring money and cleavage
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
