youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
