three words: i give head
three words: not that well
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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