I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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