i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
