so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
