I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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