i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
