census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
