You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
