God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Couch. On fire.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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