i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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