It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
