We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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