Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
please come you make the beer taste better
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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