she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
