I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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