haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
