I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
As shirtless as possible
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Your penis caused this!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
