I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Btw I puked in your glovebox
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
