We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
