I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
