I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
