sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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