Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
