im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
