So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
