Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
