I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
