Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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