yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
