just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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