He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
