I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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