My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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