I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
