sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
