You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
