have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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