saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
