I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
