I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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