don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
