I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
