i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
