In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
