smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
