I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
