new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
