I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
